The item story

Once upon a time there was small island kingdom ruled by king called Mogambo. In his kingdom lived a lady who made great jalebis and was fondly called Jalebi bai. Mogambo always used to shout loudly 'Mogambo Khus Hua' after tasting the jalebis from her shop. Jalebi bai's assistant Cheeni bai was jealous of Jalebi bai because she was not getting any credit for the awesome taste. She deliberately mixed 'julab' tablet in Jalebis one day. That day Mogambo had to run to toilet before he could pronounce his verdict on the taste. He angrily ordered execution of Jalebi bai.

To save her life Jalebi bai ran away to another town and settled in a narrow street known as Saleem's gali. She disguised herself and started selling 'Anar' to avoid detection. However this reduced business of existing merchant Anarkali and she left Saleem's gali in anger. She started going to disco with her savings.

One day Anarkali was at terrace of disco to cool down when she met another lady called Cheekni chameli. Their friendship grew fonder with time and they started having 'pauaa' to save money. In penury, they hatched a scheme to rob rich people who come to disco. They named their scheme 'dil mera muft ka'.

Their first victim was an LIC Agent with name Vinod. Chameli and Anarkali lured Vinod to an isolated place. They robbed every thing except his Amul Macho underwear 'bade aaram se'. Vinod tried to stop them singing a sad song 'kaha chal di, pungi baja ke' to no avail.

Vinod did not want anyone to see him in that condition so he hid himself in a deserted house. Two girls Razia and Munni were walking on the street near the house when suddenly they were surrounded by gundas. Munni managed to release herself from clutches of gundas but Razia could not escape. Munni also hid herself in the house Vinod was hiding. After some time police arrived and rescued both Vinod and Munni. Some people misinterpreted the incident and Munni became badnaam.

After few months Razia finally made an escape from the gundas. She hid herself in a large truck carrying 'fair and handsome'. The driver of the truck looked very similar to one of the photos gunda's kept in their cubicles. She got down from the truck when it stopped in next town. Razia informed police about the suspicious driver and he was soon arrested. It turns out the driver was actually Don and Mogambo had declared large prize for his capture.

Mogambo sent his state police with Razia to help her take revenge against gundas. The state police came to know of entire story of Jalebi bai in due course of investigation. After reading the report Mogambo cancelled execution order against Jalebi bai and ordered her return with full state honors.

Fables of aesop in post internet era

Once upon a  time there was a farmer who had listed one person as son on facebook. They had 230 wall pictures of a donkey that they owned. The farmer had lost lot of money playing online poker, so he posted on his son's wall "shall we sell the donkey?". The son instantly liked it followed by 23 likes from neighbors who did not like noise made by the donkey.

So the next day after updating facebook status, they started out on foot towards the nearby town to sell the donkey. As they were walking with the donkey they got emotional about losing the donkey forever. So they took a small video clip where all of them are walking. The farmer posted it on his facebook wall as tribute to the donkey. Soon after, he was flooded with comments from various people and most of them were making fun of the farmer and the son. They thought it was idiotic for both of them to walk while the donkey could easily carry one of them.

After reluctantly liking the negative comments the father asked son to get on the donkey and he continued walking. He felt comfortable about new arrangement and posted new video clip on his wall. This time friends of the farmer seemed angry and complained in ALL CAPS about the son's temerity to take a ride when his father was walking. Now the farmer was really pissed off, he halted the donkey near a tree and played angry birds for sometime. After a while he himself got on to the donkey and asked the son to walk.

The bored son posted the new video on his wall from his mobile. Most of his friends gave comments against his father for making the kid walk while he is riding. Unable to take the criticism, he discussed the matter with his father. The farmer asked the son to mount on the donkey as well. So now both of them were on donkey and none of them remembered about taking the video.

However with cameras everywhere, some CCTV caught video of them riding the donkey together. Within few minutes some local news channels had collected animal right activists to debate on the torture being done to the donkey. The clip was running continuously in background with words like "Brutality", "Atyachar" flashing in bold. Worried relatives of the farmer apprised him of the matter via twitter.

The farmer got scared and he along with son got down from the donkey. He sent sms to news channels and animal right activists begging for forgiveness. Most activists asked him to atone for the torture by carrying the donkey on them for remaining part of journey. The farmer then tied legs of the donkey to a pole upside down and along with son started carrying the donkey on shoulders. Thankfully soon a celebrity twitted something nasty and news channels became busy with new breaking news.

The farmer was now crossing a narrow bridge. The donkey who was enjoying the ride till now looked up to the sky for a while when a realization struck him. He became unnerved at the thought of falling into the sky should his legs become lose. The donkey started shouting and jostling itself. The legs became lose and the donkey fell into the river.

Moral of the story: Sometimes its better to use orkut.

Raju Srivastava starts indefinite hunger strike against Google.

New Delhi, Raju Srivastava, the famous stand up comedian, along with few other well known faces in laughter challenge, has started hunger strike against Google's translation service. Raju said that their livelihood is under threat since long time and now they are being kicked in stomach by MNC giant as well.

"First of all due to some new songs on Shiela and Munni followed by Yana Gupta's stunts, demand of comedy for entertainment has gone down. Kya batayen, most politicians and actors are making a joke of themselves and people no longer turn to us for a joke. After super flop performance in Bihar elections for instance, Rahul Gandhi evokes laughter without any jokes. Things have come to point where a mom no longer threatens a crying child with Gabbar, she just shows a picture of Rahul Gandhi and the child starts laughing hysterically. Unfortunately, such events are happening that random people can make good jokes on them. These days any tom, dick, and Subhash is making 5-8 jokes on onion per week. We were barely making our ends meet when we were hit by far bigger problem of Google's hindi transation service. You just need to type a sensible sentence in hindi and it instantly produces a joke in English" said Raju with poignant face.

His friends expressed similar opinions and said government must ban Google translate in India to save livelihood of sons of the soil.

A comedian friend advocating Raju's points.

Google Translate from Hindi to English in action.

Eyewitness account of Paras Shah incident.

I only speak key and nothing but key (sancho).

Paras was tired after attending many functions in the day and was already drunk when he met Rubel and other foriegners. Paras was drunk enough to reach 'Kaminey' stage where confusion between 'Sha' and 'Pha' starts to happen. He shared his drink with Rubel and others as a courtesy.

Rubel was feeling dizzy already so he threw most of his drink on floor seceretly. Paras noticed that Rubel finished his drink very fast and he asked "tero drink khoi". Rubel consulted his nepalese speaking friends and replied "Phale...". Paras heard it as "saale" he became angry and thundered "himmat chha bhane ek choti pheri bol". After consultation Rubel said "kati choti bhanu, Phale Phale Phale". Paras was seething with extreme anger now.

Rubel wanted to go to toilet and thought it would diffuse the situation and also make him feel less dizzy. Paras and his friends were standing near the way to toilet so Rubel said in bengali-hindi "Bhadrajan sorenge... hum padenge" (could you please shift a bit I want to put my feet forward). Paras was completely out of control now and he fired a shot in air to calm himself. 

Shocked by sudden turn of events Rubel lost control of his urinal and intestinal muscles and wetted his pants on both sides. This is also reason why there is continued confusion on how many shots were fired. In effort to protect himeslf and Deputy PM from becomming butt of jokes, Rubel quickly started behaving as if Paras was trying to kill him and the shot was targeted towards him.

Additional reporting:

In major development which strengthens above testimony investigator of high profile cases Taranath Ranabhat has found "Pahelo Padarth" on Rubel's pants. He dodged queries on nature of the material. When asked from where and how the material came on the pants he jokingly said "ratatatatataatata bhatatatatatata gardai aayo".

Owner of world's biggest onion wants to kill himself

Guntur. Harish Rao, 27 year old farmer from Yedlapalli village near Guntur of Andhra Pradesh owns the field in which world's largest onion is growing. The onion is already 20 meters in diameter and expected to grow another 3-4 meters in next few weeks. If price of onion continues upward momentum then in next 2-3 weeks Rao's onion could be worth upwards of Rs 200 crores.

However, soon after a local newspaper published reports about the onion, Harish has been facing problems on daily basis. Firstly it was a film director, infamous for creating super flop version of Sholay who started pressurizing him to finance his next movie on a local gangster. Some of the actresses associated with the director even tried to seduce Rao which has brought his married life to ruins. Furthermore, a singer credited with creating musical therapy for constipation called "jhalak dikhla ja, ek baar aaja aaja aaja" has approached him for funding his new venture "mmmannnnn ka TV". The singer sent Harish an iPod loaded with his upcoming songs. Harish a vegetarian who understands little of Hindi was unimpressed by the songs which were mostly about tandoori, kurma and kebabs.

Some people from film fraternity have offered genuine help as well. For instance Akshay Kumar said in a statement “Even my critics agree I have given a very strong string of flops, if the string helps Harish in extraction and transportation of the onion I would feel it has served its purpose.” A rival actor who celebrated when recent Akshay movie flopped, sensed conspiracy in Akshay's gesture. "You see, he is having difficult time breaking the string himself", he said.

Not to be left behind, a range of entrepreneurs have approached Harish for Venture Capital. A group of software engineers wanted Harish to be part of their company which sells virtual medicinal plants on facebook. CEO of the company Hari Sadhu told the reporter that a person can grow herbs like tulsi, ginger, cloves in his Farmville and send them fresh to friends suffering from cold. “What’s the use of posting ‘get well soon’ on the wall which does not help the patient anyway” said Sadhu. He commented on Harish, "With his real life farming experience and ability to fund operations for foreseeable future, partnership with Harish will be a win-win proposition for us". Harish is finding it hard to evaluate such business ideas.

Meanwhile in district revenue department babus were busy preparing plans to get the onion farm under government control. "We may notify the land for a national highway, or for setting up agricultural research center whichever will be faster" said an officer. With lot of money from the government coffers going out in scams, government needs additional sources of revenue for continuing further scams. "This is serious matter for government as it is directly linked to livelihood of lakhs of civil servants and politicians" said a mandal revenue officer.

Harish is paying thousands of rupees every day for tents in which his earlier unknown 450 relatives are staying next to his house. He faces emotional blackmail from all of them who want him to solve their financial problems. A vexed Harish threatened to commit suicide because he is unable to take the stress. "No government, filmmaker, relatives, and engineers came to help me when I had to sell my kidney to buy fertilizers" said Harish with grief.